Judge Ball: Masturbator’s testimony was “self serving”

Unlike the good folks at the FAILblog, who are frequently duped in to publishing onion-esque articles on their front page, I made sure to check to make sure this was a legitimate article before posting.

Gabor’s prince mistakes glue for eye drops

“Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, accidentally glued his eye shut Tuesday morning”

News of this happening to someone in the world seems to pop up at least once every few years. The last time I recall was this, as Bill Maher reported:

“An elderly woman in Pheonix was reaching for her cataract medicine and, yes, she Super glued her eye shut. And after seeing what happened, her husband of many years, took the Super Glue and moved it next to the toothpaste.”

This particular incident is only slightly political because the guy who did it happens to have bought his way in to a royal family, sorta. But it brings up all sorts of person memories for me, like when my friend mistook aerosol glue for aerosol deodorant and when I mistook aquarium glue for lotion in the dark.

Pat Robertson: LEGALIZE POT?!?!?!?!?!?

“…criminalizing marijuana, criminalizing the possesion of a few ounces of pot, and that kind of thing, I mean it’s just, it’s costing us a fortune and it’s ruining young people. You people go in to prisons, they go in as youths, and they come out as hardened criminals, and that’s not a good thing.” -Pat Robertson

While the above quote had to be salvaged from repeated words and verbalized pauses, I was shocked, SHOCKED, to hear Evangelist Pat Robertson speaking reasonably about drug policy… or anything, for that matter.

Reason.tv gives Joe Biden a Christmas Special

Reason.tv’s Meredith Bragg and Nick Gillespie created “A Joe Biden (War on) Christmas,” a Peanuts/Biden Christmas video mashup that is sure to become a holiday classic.

Good example fail

“Czech Transport Minister banned from driving, found driving with phony plates.”

Proof of efficacy fail

“Case of innocent man freed after spending 18 years in prison proves Texas system works”

Nepotism fail

I’m thinking the bigger fail here is not on the part of the police…

If this were two years ago, I would have headlined this, “Britney Spears just can’t catch a break these days!” But ah, the moment has passed.

Politically-correct connect-the-dots fail

“Elected official says TSA Pat Downs Promote ‘Homosexual Agenda’”

Biden mixes right/left hands

Vice President Joe Biden told Senator Mark Kirk to put his right hand on the Bible. Kirk was actually supposed to put his left hand on the Bible and raise his right hand. But apparently the oath still stuck. The Daily Mail reported that a Biden spokesperson said, “We’ve checked with the Senate parliamentarian and he’s told us that whether Senator Kirk held up his left or right hand is of no consequence and has no bearing on his status as a sitting senator”

“City targeting fake fortunetellers”

City officials may clamp down on those paid to forecast the future. The City Council will vote Tuesday on a plan to require licenses, fees and criminal background reports. Council-man Keith Sudowski said the plan will discourage “non-legitmate fortunetellers.”

Of course, the “legitimate” fortunetellers saw this coming and already moved away, right?

Palin “…stand with our NORTH Korean allies!”

Perhaps we should enlist the help of our Taliban allies to help support them! Palin’s refudiation to this clip coming soon!

Obama elbowed in the face!

Obama needed 12 stitches after getting elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Turns out, it’s not just Republicans trying to bust his chops!

Respect life… or something!

“A man driving a car with Colorado “Respect Life” license plates threw a can at another man’s car and then shot the driver in the road-rage incident, police said.”

Abortion. There. I just said that for search results.

15 Funniest 2010 Election Moments!

From When Falls the Coliseum
By Kevin R. Breen

What do the 2010 election results mean for comedy? In the months before Bush left the White House, people asked comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert if their jobs would be more difficult without such a gaffe-prone president. They usually said that it wouldn’t be much harder because there are always jokes to be made about issues. (In any case, the lack of material probably wouldn’t have been near the challenge for them that it would be for their writers.)

But their shows make elaborate jokes about issues. My show, FAILocracy (and YouTube in general,) is more about pointing and laughing at presidents who accidentally say “sex” during speeches. So, in the name of comedy, FAILocracy endorsed the following 15 candidates who we hoped would continue to provide us with hilarious gaffes after the election. Beneath the video is a run-down of the results.

The “Gun Mechanics Competency” award was given to Democratic Congressman Lincoln Davis.
Election outcome: WINNER

The “Best Attack Ad” was directed at Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz, the lone non-American award winner, because “He kicks children in the face.”
Election outcome: WINNER

Jack Conway, who was given the “Most Paradoxical Question ” award for his campaign’s ad, which asked, “Why are there so many questions about Rand Paul?” did not win, but the inspiration for the question did, so that’s not all bad!
Election outcome: LOSER

John McCain won the prestigious “Maverick” award for his claim inNewsweek that he never considered himself a maverick.
Election outcome: WINNER

The “Harry Reid Bi-Partisanship” award was given to none other thanHarry Reid for excellence in accidentally voting against his own health care bill.
Election outcome: WINNER

The “Constitutional Expertise” award was given to Christine O’Donnell for excellence in complete ignorance about the Bill of Rights.
Election outcome: LOSER

The “Talking Good” award was given to incumbent Arizona governorJan Brewer for excellence in having did what was best since she be-ha-comed governor and… …. … … never mind.
Election outcome: WINNER

The “Geographic Apathy” award went to Idaho Congressional Candidate Vaughn Ward for excellence in not knowing (or caring) that Puerto Rico is not a foreign country.
Election outcome: LOSER

The “Most Appropriate use of Debate Time” award went to Providence Mayoral Candidate Chris Young for excellence in proposing to his girlfriend during a debate.
Election outcome: LOSER

The hotly-contested “Rand Paul STOMP” award went to Tim Profitt, who wasn’t a candidate, but he did support Rand Paul so we’ll consider his election outcome.
Election outcome: WINNER

The “Candidate Making Best Use of College Degree” award went toPhil Davison for his incredible audience/speaker enthusiasm gap.
Election outcome: LOSER

The “Worst Understanding of Physics” award was given to Democratic Representative Hank Johnson for worrying that Guam might capsize.
Election outcome: WINNER

The “Ultimate Warrior” award was given to Alvin Greene for being unemployed, living with his parents, being indicted on felony charges for showing pornography to a student, giving a reporter bunny ears during a live broadcast, and being the Ultimate Warrior.
Election outcome: LOSER

The “Worst Name for a Pro Wrestler” award went to Taliban Dan, the nickname given to Daniel Webster in his opponent‘s attack ad.
Election outcome: WINNER

Finally, the “All Around Best Candidate” award went to Basil MarceauxDotCom, the Tennessee gubernatorial candidate who didn’t make it past the primary.
Election outcome: LOSER

So, out of 15 gaffe-prone candidates, we have 8 won, and 7 lost, which is actually pretty good, considering the fact that almost all the awards were given for things that, in theory, should have hurt the candidate’s chances. It looks like we have until the 2012 election before we need to have any major concerns about political comedy. (And after that, it won‘t even matter because the world will end, right?)